Pray, Walk, and Love | Protecion Mi Vida (Protect My Life)

 Hello Friends, 

Yes, I know I have done my short mind speaks on my IG story and told myself it needs to be longer
again. This may be a week's update or 2 two-week updates for myself and to you my friends as well Let's see how it goes and I just want to keep my sane in a stable condition.

Lately I have been soaking myself into prayers and from time to time giving up something just to par myself in what I am contemplating. Yes, I am still in the process of healing and status wise I am doing just fine despite those hiccups that surprise me. I will take time and healing is not just one snap like Thanos who just snaps the world in one of the Avengers movies. Healing is somewhat a process of acceptance and surrender to the will of God and letting him do the work. He may not let you see what
he is doing behind the scenes but he is fully in the works. 

Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually I am in the process of healing. I cannot say to you that I am fully in tiptop shape but I am still working on it together with our Father, our Brother, and our Mother the Our Lady. Just a month and a half ago I am being so close with Our Lady. Since the day I started holding on to the rosary and prayed everyday I felt the love of Our Lady. I clung to her during the stormy season of my life and from then on she took care of me up to this date. I never felt the tremendous love of Our Lady after finishing the 33 days of Morning Glory on Hallow. Our Lady gave me peace and hope that everything will be fine and everything will be answered according to her true spouse our Father God. I never felt so much love of Our Lady. 

Aside from this alongside the rosary, Divine Mercy chaplet was also another foundation of my passion and love for Jesus. I have seen their both hearts and their love is so profound that I could not resist to pray the both prayers as frequently as I can be. 

Recently I got a chance to see a relic of St. Anthony of Padua in downtown Toronto where it fascinates me and for me it is a great blessing seeing another relic of a Saint all the way from the place of its origin. What struck me the most during my veneration was during the mass where after the homily Padre Fabiano of the Franciscan Friars explained how the relics that we venerate connects us to God. To cut the explanation short he told the attendees that these relics are part of the mortals who live their lives in accordance to the will of God and true Christian to the many.  After the veneration, I decided to visit 3 more churches and head home. It was a pleasant day that time and I was happy to see another guy friend who was also there to see the relic. 

Since that I have stated that I am healing from 3 aspects of my life this time, my physical aspect has been attacked. I am currently experiencing severe pain from my mid back to upper back. I can feel that my spine is hurting at all. It all started at work where it's beyond my scope to shovel a wet sand. I was just being asked by one of my managers to help her out by cleaning the playpen of daycare. They were power washing it and in the afternoon this manager was still power washing them and as she power washed the sand I had to shovel the wet sand.

After 4 days of agony I decided to rush myself to the hospital. It was a great choice of mine. Despite the long wait in the system I am still getting the right care (I think) to get this back check. During my visit to the Emergency Department somewhere in York Region (Yes, we do have a hospital here where I live but I still trust the York Region Hospital) it really hit me so hard that I really need to look after myself. I like the way that one of my colleagues preached to me like my mom at work where she reminded me that our workplace doesn't care about your health. Also one of my co-workers keeps on telling me that I am too nice for this job. 

As I contemplated on this matter, this made me fully understand that I have to protect myself from my workplace since some companies just treat you being a number and can be replaced from time to time. Also health is wealth I should say. I love my colleagues. They are constantly reminding me that sometimes I have to stand up for myself and protect myself. As this season goes, I have been contemplating my life and asking myself why is this happening to me? What is the true plan behind this. I do not want to question God at all cause I know this back pain is my own fault for not saying no to the work. I am now asking myself why I do not protect myself from work that is not the scope of my work or capacity. It's just too much I should say.  

I am now contemplating as to this moment if childcare has something to do with my scope of line as an SSW. Don't get me wrong I love working with kids and it is still the passion that I have within my heart. Despite that I complain a lot with my work I can still see somewhat the future of this generation if us adults help them to mould their true identity by guiding them in the right path. I am just contemplating the work that needs to be done aside from the main plate. I know I always say for the kids but this time I really have to protect myself. Sometimes I feel that I am not appreciated by this manager or not at all. I never heard her say thank you for helping out or saying can you please help us out. 

Like what one of my good friends from the school board is always telling me "This world is so broken that people don't know the meaning of compassion, love, and treating others right". I find it a true statement these days. Being a teacher is a fulfilling job but dealing with other adults is sometimes dreadful. Sometimes how I wish to be a kid again but life must go on as these experiences throw to us. 

As of this moment a lot of things are still sinking in to me, There are  times that I am still considering being in an isolated area just to ease all the pain and suffering that I am experiencing. I am just getting tired but I know there's a reason for this journey that I am taking. I know God is working on something for me and I should not give up on this situation and I know He will take care of everything. 

I must admit sometimes it's hard for me to trust Him but rediscovering Him every single time things unfold and I know everything that he reveals to me is in accordance with His timing. His timing is never late or early; it's always perfect. Prayer always conquers fear and faith to the unseen is the greatest thing that I can hold on. 

Until next time or week... Later friends

Only Time Will Tell

Hello Friends, 

I know I have start my somewhat a "Black Elk" Speaks style on my personal IG and I want to continue it here. I don't know how speak my head out on my other blog but I need somewhat another space just to clear my head from some noise that my head. I know have started one but that's a different ball game for me. This one is somewhat just like literally me speaking under the name of Andromeda. I will be still continuing my speaks on my IG but if I want it to be longer it will be here in this blog. I will still try to figure it out how to make this a private one. 

How to say this thing that has been going on in my life specially emotional, mental, social, economical(?).  Likewise my last month was not a good time for me where I have to endure it and sit on it for a little while. Tears has been shed, mental health suffered where I was on my lowest my low. I tried distracting myself but my emotions took over my well being that some of my activities had suffered. Sleepless nights, overthinking prevails and so on. I got hold off my counsellor but I have to bother him a lot of times to get resources just to control my insanity. My insanity wise went high that I have to use a contact centre just to prevent my negative thoughts of losing my precious life. Likewise I am grateful to have a counsellor that was really on the ball helping me out to get out of this misery. 

Also, I am grateful to some great friends who supported me to get through the hell that they let me cry, pull me out made me busy and made me talk about what's going on in my head. It helped me a lot to pass through this storm and keep my insanity calm. Despite of the storm, deep ocean, thunder and the calamity that I experience my soul and spirit did not give up clinging on my faith. To be honest I hit the rockbottom of my spiritual life where I could not feel God, I could not feel Him despite I worship him through music, visiting him in the blessed sacrament, personal prayer time and so on. I almost give up my prayer life because of the pain and the emotions overflowing through me. But deep within my heart and an advice from my Spiritual director(s) to keep praying even you don't have any words to say he will understand your heart. For those days of misery, I cling to my prayer life some parts I cannot focus, there are times I just cried and question him why do I have go through this season once again. 

Despite of the storm, God showed me some glimpse of light where reconnecting with some old friends who is also as religious as me. Meeting new people who are devoted to the Our Lady and some of them are part of Lay Monastic congregation. I will not forget the day where my friend invited me to an event somewhere in North York where praise and worship before the Pentecost was a turning point of my storm start to calm down in some point. This is also a the starting point of my vocation journey change where silence gives me joy. 

As this storm passes by, Alberta became like my retreat from the storm that I have. I really need a fresh air to breathe. I am not saying that the air here in Ontario was not good but I need to clear my head up and ponder on the situation. I like the retreat that I did where hiking was a great part of it. Hiking on Mt. Whistler's gave me that realisation that no matter how your storm hits you hard he will be always there for you. I still have a hard time to understand it but I soak myself in routinely prayer time (Both structured and mental) and ask Him to help me to understand the situation. At first I am scared to let go of it but because of a certain Litany and His words to me "Let me take care of everything. I heard you and you have suffered enough. You need rest. Trust me I am working double time here just let my timing work". When I heard this I just told to him Let your will be done. I am done with this life of misery. 

As of this moment, I have surrender myself to the Our Lady where rosary saves my life and every single day am falling in love with the Our Lady. Yes the pain is still within in me but I just offer this pain to the Our Lady and Let her work in me. I know through the Our Lady I will get through with this and I know God is working behind the scene. Yes, I can feel that he is working double time but I will let His plan work. This time I find joy in silence, I find peace in prayers and adoration and I can finally put smile on my face despite it is still hard. I am just looking forward to some things that it is coming up.  

I am still praying for this person no matter what despite of the storm cause I know only prayer can connect us and God has better plans for us individually. Right now, I am focusing on my vocation journey where I need to totally cut some things in my life and add more mental prayers. I must admit that I miss him and I still love him but I know I have to walk again alone but not completely alone but walking with My Mother the Our Lady and with my brother Jesus as I rise above this storm. 

Only time will also tell where I am going next, what will happen next and if he will permit my heart's desire. I know it's only Him can allow this or he will give something far greater. In other words, Let His Will be done. I completely surrender this to Him. 

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue my journey and this journey that I am going probably will not be an easy one but I will more than happy if you could all keep me in your prayers.