Only Time Will Tell

Hello Friends, 

I know I have start my somewhat a "Black Elk" Speaks style on my personal IG and I want to continue it here. I don't know how speak my head out on my other blog but I need somewhat another space just to clear my head from some noise that my head. I know have started one but that's a different ball game for me. This one is somewhat just like literally me speaking under the name of Andromeda. I will be still continuing my speaks on my IG but if I want it to be longer it will be here in this blog. I will still try to figure it out how to make this a private one. 

How to say this thing that has been going on in my life specially emotional, mental, social, economical(?).  Likewise my last month was not a good time for me where I have to endure it and sit on it for a little while. Tears has been shed, mental health suffered where I was on my lowest my low. I tried distracting myself but my emotions took over my well being that some of my activities had suffered. Sleepless nights, overthinking prevails and so on. I got hold off my counsellor but I have to bother him a lot of times to get resources just to control my insanity. My insanity wise went high that I have to use a contact centre just to prevent my negative thoughts of losing my precious life. Likewise I am grateful to have a counsellor that was really on the ball helping me out to get out of this misery. 

Also, I am grateful to some great friends who supported me to get through the hell that they let me cry, pull me out made me busy and made me talk about what's going on in my head. It helped me a lot to pass through this storm and keep my insanity calm. Despite of the storm, deep ocean, thunder and the calamity that I experience my soul and spirit did not give up clinging on my faith. To be honest I hit the rockbottom of my spiritual life where I could not feel God, I could not feel Him despite I worship him through music, visiting him in the blessed sacrament, personal prayer time and so on. I almost give up my prayer life because of the pain and the emotions overflowing through me. But deep within my heart and an advice from my Spiritual director(s) to keep praying even you don't have any words to say he will understand your heart. For those days of misery, I cling to my prayer life some parts I cannot focus, there are times I just cried and question him why do I have go through this season once again. 

Despite of the storm, God showed me some glimpse of light where reconnecting with some old friends who is also as religious as me. Meeting new people who are devoted to the Our Lady and some of them are part of Lay Monastic congregation. I will not forget the day where my friend invited me to an event somewhere in North York where praise and worship before the Pentecost was a turning point of my storm start to calm down in some point. This is also a the starting point of my vocation journey change where silence gives me joy. 

As this storm passes by, Alberta became like my retreat from the storm that I have. I really need a fresh air to breathe. I am not saying that the air here in Ontario was not good but I need to clear my head up and ponder on the situation. I like the retreat that I did where hiking was a great part of it. Hiking on Mt. Whistler's gave me that realisation that no matter how your storm hits you hard he will be always there for you. I still have a hard time to understand it but I soak myself in routinely prayer time (Both structured and mental) and ask Him to help me to understand the situation. At first I am scared to let go of it but because of a certain Litany and His words to me "Let me take care of everything. I heard you and you have suffered enough. You need rest. Trust me I am working double time here just let my timing work". When I heard this I just told to him Let your will be done. I am done with this life of misery. 

As of this moment, I have surrender myself to the Our Lady where rosary saves my life and every single day am falling in love with the Our Lady. Yes the pain is still within in me but I just offer this pain to the Our Lady and Let her work in me. I know through the Our Lady I will get through with this and I know God is working behind the scene. Yes, I can feel that he is working double time but I will let His plan work. This time I find joy in silence, I find peace in prayers and adoration and I can finally put smile on my face despite it is still hard. I am just looking forward to some things that it is coming up.  

I am still praying for this person no matter what despite of the storm cause I know only prayer can connect us and God has better plans for us individually. Right now, I am focusing on my vocation journey where I need to totally cut some things in my life and add more mental prayers. I must admit that I miss him and I still love him but I know I have to walk again alone but not completely alone but walking with My Mother the Our Lady and with my brother Jesus as I rise above this storm. 

Only time will also tell where I am going next, what will happen next and if he will permit my heart's desire. I know it's only Him can allow this or he will give something far greater. In other words, Let His Will be done. I completely surrender this to Him. 

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue my journey and this journey that I am going probably will not be an easy one but I will more than happy if you could all keep me in your prayers.