Ode to Silence

Hello Friends, 

I know this is a weird time for me to post on a weekday and good thing it is a holiday today that I can write my thoughts, I should say a little bit of noise in my head. 

Current state of my whole being: Physically: Healing| Emotionally and Mentally: Still healing and looking for better days are ahead| Spiritually: Amazing Grace. 

It's almost two months that I am stilling through this storm that I am facing through there are still ups and downs, overthinking still prevail but I am catching myself and divert myself to something else but I am still thankful that my faith keeps me grounded. To be honest, there are still time that I am crying when I hear things that reminds me of him. Sometimes I just pause and pray for him just to ease this longings. 

I know God has truly have a great plan for the both of us separately and it's really a great season of waiting for me again. God really wants me to wait for that perfect time. My heart is still crying but I know God gave me a great call that I have to answer. This past week I had somewhat isolate myself to the world where I just want to be with God and silence myself. Before this happen, I was being called to set myself apart from the world while doing apostolic work. At first I was so scared to say yes to this call, like I have to discern it so well if that is really Him or just myself being me as a human. Fear prevail my whole being, where goosebumps kicked in when I got the form and I cannot believe that this is happening. It took me time to fill the form in just to write my name and sign it. 

I know that I have said that I have isolated myself to the world for a week not messaging just reading

my ebook, using my phone as my prayer book and so on. I was blessed that I have a guide over that week to just keep me grounded with my decision that would change my life forever. Low and behold, as I read the life of this Carmelite saint, a lot of strong and calming reassurance that I have received from God, the Our Lady and from Christ our brother. Midweek I had signed my spiritual contract to my Holy family that I am giving away my "Yes" to the call that they want me to do. Also this weekend as well, I have finally signed my physical form in front of my chosen friends who I know from my heart will give me counsel as I embark this journey. To be honest, my soul and spirit is rejoicing that I have finally found my call as a long time discerner for vocation. Also, God gave me another grace to answer another vocation that we complete my whole being as a woman.It will take time again since I need to heal from the pain that I have experienced and I can sense that one of the Franciscan Saints is watching me as well since every time that I go to the church I randomly see a yellow flower beside him or somewhere that there is a sacramental. I can really feel that God is really working double time.

To be honest with you my friends, I am currently joyful that I have found my first calling that I can serve him as a Religious Lay and the other one well I am still waiting for that season. I must really admit that I never felt that true love from a man who really knows to love a person like me and letting me for being who I am. I never became vulnerable to a man that I just met for a short while and it's like I know him forever when I became vulnerable. I will treasure the days that he let me cry in front of him, telling my childhood days, my family and so on. I don't want to lie but I truly miss him already and I still love him. I know there's a purpose of our parting ways but I just letting God to take care of everything. I know someday, somehow either God will grant my heart desire or he is preparing me for something better. 

As of this moment, as I write this; I am shedding my tears again. I thought I will be done crying but my heart still longs for him. I know some of you who talks to me in person will say it's okay you are hurt and you felt true love. There's a reason why you two cross the road. I am trying to be strong as I can be but there are times that I really need to shed it again. I am weak but my faith gave me steadfastness and without you who knows me personally especially who speaks to me in person I would be carrying my life on. 

Just keep me in your prayers and I also keep you all in my prayers. 

Until next time again